Fly On A Wall

Spy

I always think about things that nobody else has ever thought about. Like, do Panda's ever attack people in the wild? They're raised in captivity, so do they ever attack a person when they're released, considering they were raised on Bamboo? I guess they would eat that guy who's half tree half person. True thing too, there's a guy who's half tree half guy. I wonder who has to water him, and turn him towards the sun every 45 minutes. Poor bastard.



Anyway, the one I was thinking about the other day, was what if I were a spy. Like James Bond, what if I were like James Bond. I'm already 32% more devishly more handsome than he is, it's a fact, I made a poll. Of course, it ended up on http://www.logo.com/ so all the people I'm assuming were gay. But, they chose me anyway. First I'd have to have a codename, something cool, that totally doesn't describe me at all. Something like Rex Edison. And then of course my weapons. A handgun, like all the other spies, and then some sort of tiny toolkit I could carry around in my sock to get myself out of sticky situations. And of course, the sidekick and the girl.

I think I'd like my sidekick to be a black midget named Tiny Troy. You can't tell me that wouldn't win some sort of award somewhere:
THE ADVENTURES OF REX EDISON AND TINY TROY!
I'd watch it. And Tiny Troy would always his catchphrase when he pops in to rescue me, like, "Once you go black, I break yo back!"

He'd be adorable. And I could use him to crawl into tiny spaces I could never reach to get the C-4.

Alright, the woman. A hipster asian girl. Named Marie. She wears a red and white beanie, in overalls, combat boots, carrying an AK47, an ipod shuffle on her arm, and round thick glasses. That's awesome. And she's drive this pimped out car that only asians would have. And just to add to the clichness of this entire thing, she'd be in a schoolgirl outfit alot of the time.

So if you could be a spy, who would you wanna be?

MW

PARTY QUESTION: If you could be a superhero, who would you be if you had to make one up? I think I'd be Loverman!
Wow that sounds gay.

Now I think I know how that poll ended up on www.logo.com

Perks

One of the perks of turning 18 was I could finally call myself in sick, wether I really was or not.

When I turned 16, the perk was I could finally drive. When I turned 17, I could go see R-rated movies by myself, and when I turned 18, I can buy porn, ciggerettes, and buy lottery tickets. When I turn 21, I can gamble and drink.

Wait, I can't lose money to a machine BEFORE I buy life threatening ciggerettes? What the fu*k is that all about?

Well anyways, those are the perks of turning different ages, now I've done all those perks, except for buying ciggerettes (since I don't smoke) or buying a lottery ticket (since I don't want to or havn't wanted to yet). So what am I waiting for honestly? I'm waiting for 21, not because you can drink, 'cause I'll never do that, no, because then I can gamble. Out of all the different perks you get when you turn different ages, I'd have to pick the best 3:

BEST THREE PERKS OF GETTING OLDER:
1.Getting to Drive
2.Buying Porn
3.Gambling

I was going to put, "See R-rated movies", but since everybody now has Showtime or HBO and the cable company keeps putting on innappropriate movies on at a time when little kids can see them, it makes sense that I didn't put it down. So, those are the best 3 perks, but why? Well getting to drive is fun, I have a motto, "Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it." You can get away from your family and that's awesome without a doubt. Gambling was third, gambling's cool because it's an adult video game. Adults keep saying, "Get of that DreamCast and go outside and play football or go for a walk!" And then they go play video poker. That's fair. And of course, buying porn.

Listen, I've only been 18 for about 6 months, but god dam*it, I have bought so much porn in that short time that I now have more porn that pair of shirts. What can I say, I love the sh*t.
It's a great thing, but it's not fair, why do girls get to flaunt that stuff and make me feel weird about getting every erection I do? I wish the girls I knew just wanted to see my junk.

That's the world I one day hope to live in.

MW

Death Lottery

My cousin Charlie died recently, like two days ago kinda recently, and I can't enjoy this holiday AT ALL anymore. My Grandma, on the 25th of last year, that was the last time I ever saw her alive. Then my cousin dies, it's like, at this point, my family should just put everybody's names into a hat and pick who they think will go next year.

It'll be fun, whoever wins gets 50 bucks.

I mean, this holiday was at least sufferable at first what with my grandma being gone, and christmas having been ruined as that being the last day I saw her, but NOW my cousin dies in the same month, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I seriously think that Santa's gonna come down my chimney this year, I'll run out to see him (as every kid does) and he'll pull out a shotgun, "HO HO HO, MERRY FU*KIN' CHRISTMAS B*TCH!" And he'll shoot, take out our entire family, santa just doesn't want my family to live anymore.

That or God didn't want this month to only be about his son anymore.

Geez they're both as*holes.

MW

Peanut Flinger

A friend of mine, Colton, decided the other day to throw a peanut at his friend, they were having fun, innocently playing and goofing off. So Colton, as I've gathered from the story he's told me, had a bag of peanuts, and threw one at his friend, who in turned ducked, because peanuts at high speeds hurt on impact, and the peanut, I'm assuming, traveled, paused, IN MID-AIR MIND YOU, and hit a cop in the back of the head in his car.

Now, first of all, this is hilarious on so many levels, one for the fact that, this cop has just been assaulted by a salty snack treat, Mr. Peanut's gonna have to pay the big bucks. I always think about people think in those situations, like I assume they're laughing, but as soon his friend ducks, and Colton sees the peanut heading, he knows that sh*t is about the fan. He knows what's about to go down. I assume Colton leapt, like Keanu Reaves in "THE MATRIX" and ran against a wall to try and stop it from reaching the back of Officer PissyPants head. He probably tried to use some sort of, ancient mythological peanut grabbing power, but it didn't work, and that peanut made a direct contact with that cops head.

*CRACK*


Peanut falls, cop flips out, sees Colton, and now, sh*t is about to go down. Colton knows he can't run, it's too late for that, the cop saw him, so he stays where he was and the cop beckons him over. Colton didn't even move, the cop pointed at him, and like, some invisible like wire wrapped around Colton's waist AND PULLED HIM TO THE COP. It got Harry Potter all up in there. The cop, and this is the funniest part to me, said, "Why'd you do that?"
And Colton, not really knowing what to say, just spouted out random sh*t, "Uh, I-Uh-I don't know, it meant to hit my friend, it wasn't supposed to, the peanut grabbing power failed, it wasn't supposed to hit you, I'm sorry dude."
DUDE.
Moral of the story:
COPS DO NOT LIKE TO BE CALLED DUDE.

That cop FLIPPED the fu*k OUT! "Why are you calling me dude, stop calling me dude, respect the law!"
And, Colton, hysterically to me, says to the cop, "Dude calm down."

Just to make it worse.

If anybody has 800 bucks for his bail, call me.

MW

Inappropriate Foot Scrubbing

I was taking a show and washing my foot last night when I realized people put way too much care into their personal hygeine. I mean, if you have a kid, let's face it, you WANT them to smell or look good because you want people to think you're a good caring parent. You want your children to represent you in a good manner. But when it comes to your own personal hygeine, we put WAAAAAY too much care into our personal appearance.

What I mean by this isn't clothing, although I could go on about THAT all friggin' day long givin' the oppurtunity, what I mean is how many products have been made for personal hygeine? Body wash, shampoo, deoderant, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, hairbrush, breath spray, breath MINTS, conditioner, and of course, the big one, can't forget the lotion.

But what do we really NEED all this stuff for? A woman will get dressed, put a bunch of this sh*t on, including makeup, and then go buy a loaf of bread. WTF? To be honest, I don't use soap, and I hardly ever wash my hands except when I go to the bathroom, so I'm like PigPen from "Peanuts". Really, why should I wash my face, it's just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth, I'm just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair, it's just going to get messed up again.

I'd rather be efficient than hygenic.

MW

Don't Sleep With Your Fans

I sleep on a couch.

In front of a gigantic fan.

Underneath a gigantic ceiling fan.

Both of which run all night long.

I am officially frozen when I wake up. Archeologists have to come in and chisel away the ice until I cane move again, and then they pretend they discovered the missing link! I pay them for that part because it's fun. Point is, when you sleep in front of a huge fan UNDERNEATH a huge fan, you're bound to get a tad cold. And that's what happened last night, for some reason, this morning I woke up and actually could have used my nose drippings as chopsticks. I was covered with ice shards, which sucks 'cause some of it melted and my mom thought I wet the bed. Never a good sign. But what TRULY is sick is that I CAN'T sleep any other way. I have to be freezing and burning hot at the same time, I have to be under some huge blanket and freezing cold by two huge fans at the same time. I can't be just one temperature, and it so totally stinks!

I guess the only good part about it is that researches keep finding me and I keep making the news as some sort of missing link to man's evolution. That IS kinda cool. But ultimately, the fact can't be denied that being freezing cold isn't a good thing. I've heard that dying in the snow is one of the more pleasent ways to die, which, you'd believe would make it more peaceful for me to sleep, but it makes me wonder, "There's no pleasent way to die! You're not gonna exist anymore! That's not PLEASENT!"

Stupid people and their hypothesis's.

Sometimes I really hate second grade science reports.

MW

Rain Coffin

It's raining today and that seems great but I have to go home after school without a key and no parents, so if it continues raining all day, I'll surely be screwed, not to mention the fact that I have to go to Target and pick up the two disk special edition of "SuperBad" on DVD.

I like the rain and all, just not when I have to stand in it for hours after staying at school all day. But the harder part is that 22 days from now, it will have been officially one year since I have last seen my GrandMa alive. I think she died sometime in February last year, but I stopped seeing her during Christmas because I knew it was coming.

Maybe for christmas, if I'm lucky, my dad will go and dig my Grandma up and give her to me for a christmas present. That'd be awesome, not only would I have my Grandma back, but I'd have a coffin too! Who DOESN'T want a free coffin? They're so cool!

Until you're in them.

Then they suck ass.

But I've found that being dead might be a cool thing, considering then I get to find out what's in the after-life, is it God, Satan or what? I think I know what happens after we die, and this will make the most sense of all the things you've ever heard about life after death. I think, when we die, we're buried, and we lay there for all eternity, and we rot and are eaten by worms.

See, makes more sense doesn't it?

Of course, the stupid thing about that is that they bury us in these million dollar coffins that are going to be underground for eternity, seriously, do we really need THAT nice a send off? I don't wanna be remembered, I wanna be forgotten. It's too late for that.

But a man can dream can't he?

MW

Internal Clock

The week isn't fair.

You only get to sleep in on saturday and sunday, what the hell is that?!

Every other day of the week you have to get up early, unless you are unemployed or a little kid. But for me, I have to be at CCOC at 7:30 EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. That is not fair! All you little 2nd graders should be happy you don't have to get up so early, no, and even if you are in kindergarden, and have to get up early, you get "NAP TIME"! You get to sleep AT SCHOOL! THAT is not fair. Sleeping at school, I do it too, but they don't call it nap time, they call it, "DETENTION".

And in the night, I'm so awake because I sleep during school, that when it gets to be 1:00 in the morning, I'm wide awake.

My internal clock is on Tokyo Time.

I hate small children.

MW

The NAR

Sometimes, and I'm sure many folks do this, I go type in random unkown web URLS and click "search" to see if they exist. I did this again today while searching for porn....for a friend. Anyway, was screwing around (no pun intended) and typed in, just to see if it existed, "www.underagegirls.com" and it took me to the National Alert Registry website, to register and find out if there are any sex offenders in my neighborhood, so I became curious and typed in my zip code, and low and behold, the results came up with 79 registered sex offenders in my location.

I can't look at my neighbors anymore without thinking they're sex offenders. Stupid curiosity. And then atop all of THAT is the idea that they named their website www.underagegirls.com. Yes, the Nation Alert Registry to register known sex offenders in your neighborhood named their website www.underagegirls.com. Makes sense I suppose, because if sex offenders checked their website, they might be a sex offender, I was just plain curious.

I can't imagine, that's like the NRA naming their website, "www.huntforfun.com". Which probably exists by the way. Okay, I just went to check it and it DOES exist, it's a coaching website. What is with the internet these days? This is insane. However, this DOES make the internet a bit more entertaining and humerous, does it not? I just can't help but think what those people were thinking when they made that site name.

FRANK:Bill, we HAVE to get a website for this thing, there are sex offenders out there, we have to stop them!
BILL:You're right Frank, sex offenders are bad people! Holy crap, look at the butt on her!
FRANK:Nice!

And that probably IS how it went. Men are sex offenders, not women. Only men.

Also, if you want a better internet experiance go to these sites:
LINKS:
www.petsorfood.com
www.missvera.com

That should keep you enlightened for a little while, at least until I can find something else to plug or make fun of.

MW

Christ & Cath

Christmas trees are a pain in the butt.

I'm going to get my christmas trees and christmas and christianty (sound the same don't they?) go hand in hand, except my family is Jewish & Catholic, so, it doesn't make any sense. My mom wanted to get a HUGE tree to honor my dead grandmother who died earlier this year, and so we will probably not only have our tree put in, but our roof taken out as well. Anyway, this also means we will have to get the ornaments our, or, as is made obvious in my house, I WILL HAVE TO GET THE ORNAMENTS OUT.

That means going up into my rafters in my garage, where rats, roaches, and probably the body of Jimmy Hoffa live. Hell Saddam Hussain could have been hiding in my garage, Osama could be up there, I have no idea! The only way I could put this into simple terms is Trey Parker's example of how he feels about making South Park.
"I hate putting the tree together, but I like seeing it once it's done."
Not only does this mean getting a tree, finding a place to put the damn thing and then getting ornaments out but now I also have to buy presents for these people! I don't have that kind of time for anybody else!

But Christmas & Christiany. You know how people get Catholics & Christians mixed up? Think of it THIS way, christianity is the one that truly believes in christ. For example, you can't even SAY christianity without saying "christ". So what do catholics believe in?
"I'm a catholic, I believe in cath, and her death for our lord!"

None of these things make any sense.

But that's the point of holidays and religion.

MW