Fly On A Wall

Hired By A Doctor

That basically sums up my day.

Alright, I'll fill you in. I got up at 10:30 to take a shower, left at 11:00 to get to Oakland for a doctor appointment at 1:00.

I arrived at 1:15, my mom didn't know where she was going. Point is, the funny thing about it is this, my doctor looked like the lovechild of Chris Elliot and Dave Attell, which I guess would make their lovechild David Cross. Point is, he looked like all through of those guys put together, like, have you ever seen the movie "The Fly"? And the guy gets put into a teleporter with a Fly and then their bodies become one, it was like if that movie had featured those 3 guys and they all went into the same teleporter and got put into one. Their name would be Christopher Dave Cross. Interesting enough.

Anyway, when I got there, he attached this black thing to my head. I felt like I was sitting in an electric chair, and then he started asking me a bunch of questions, one of which is "What do you do?" I replied to him with the same answer I do to everybody when they ask me that question.

"I eat, poop and breath."

Sadly, he wanted more.

So I told him I sleep too.

That, also, didn't satisfy him. So after that, I told him that I went to school, stayed at home, am a minor web celebrity and that's when he started asking me if I have a myspace account. I told him I do, despite how much I despise the site, and I told him I only use it for my work to get noticed because it's such a social network. He began to tell me about this website he had been working on for about 3 years which had finally opened up as a beta so people could check it out, but he's so "old" he doesn't know how to program or set up a myspace account, so he hired me.

That's right. Christoper Dave Cross hired me to make him a myspace account, and now he's going to pay me. I, Mark, am officially, and internet prostitute, I will do things for people that require internet use as long as they pay me.

I also dogwalk, so if you ever need somebody to watch yer pup, I'm the guy.

MW

Funny People You Meet On The Bus

I hate the bus.

Public or otherwise. School buses are the worst. I hate the kids on them. Thankfully my ass is so fat and wide it takes up the entire seat, so nobody can sit next to me. Plus I've been told that I smell of fermladahide. Don't know if that one's true or not, so go and sniff some and then come and sniff me, we can test it out.

The people you meet on the bus are always the worst kind of people, the people you don't want to meet. Homeless, drunk, idiots, babies, and women who say they are single but end up being married to the roughest black guys around, those guys you don't wanna mess with. Plus they have kids. I guess however, it's best, if I had to choose somebody to sit next to on a bus, it would have to be one of the following. Either a drunk guy, homeless guy, or a lesbian.

This is the way I see it. Either way you'll get a great story out of it. Drunk people are always funny and tell you the funniest stories IN the funniest ways. I can just imagine a drunk guy telling a story:

DRUNK TED: Yeah. and then she tried to hit me with the baton, so I kicked her in the shins, and then when she got me really mad we realized it was HANK that had gotten us to hold up the bank, so what we did was I got on a bomb and let it fall over Hank's house, I rode that bomb man!

Like, they just replace some part with a scene from "Dr. Strangelove". Bizzare.
Homeless guys get irritating what with them always asking for change, but seriously, if a 15 year old immature kid doing pot, drinking and screwing like a goat on cocaine can get a job, then I'm pretty sure a homeless guy can too. And be BETTER at it. Some homeless people have great stories too, but they always start the same way:

HOMELESS TED: I used to have THE BIGGEST COMPANY...

Yes, they all used to be the CEO of Enron. Sometimes they smell funny, that kinda smell you can't identify but you KNOW it's funny. You play "Name that smell!" with the guy sitting next to you and the homeless guy. I got 60 bucks for playing the game one time. But the best one would have to be, without a doubt, the lesbian. Because, and mainly because, hot smutty stories about her and her girlfriend in the shower.

Come on, you can't tell me that wouldn't be entertaining, of course, if it was TOO sexy, you may not be able to get off at your next destination. If you know what I mean.

But I hate the bus, I hate the people on the bus and I hate the place I'm going to ON the bus. But that's my bus rant for the day, and now I have to get off and go get on the bus.

MW

Jeapordy In Oakland

About 45 minutes away from my house is a little place called Oakland, I believe it's another city or town, or something to that effect. I've never heard of it, but whatever. Anyways, I'm heading there tomorrow, blowing off all classes and going to see some sort of specialist. I don't know what he specializes in, it could be Anal Redemption. And I don't even know, or WANT to know what that means.

That or Toilet Humiliation.

Those are 2 things that nobody should ever have to know what they mean.

Anyway, this guy shuold be able to tell me what is wrong with my tongue, and my Canker Sores. His name escapes me right now, so I'm just going to call him Todd. Anyway, Todd is, ya know, can I say "Anyway" a few more times? I've already said it, h/o, let me count it for a second....3 times. Dang. Well, Todd is obviously some sort of physcotherapist and specialist for chyropractic procedures. What bones have to do with tongues, well that's just beyond my lack of knowledge. Now I'm a smart cookie, I know lots of things. Just, well, none of them are relevant to what's going on at the moment. For instance, right now I'm sitting in MultiMedia Class, but what am I thinking about that I know all about? The Comic Book "Bone". I know EVERYTHING about that comic book series. See, so I'm not STUPID, I'm just full of completely useless information, unless someday I get on Jeapordy.

So let's all keep our fingers, and young ladies, keep some other things crossed as well, that this guy can help me out with this tongue canker sore problem that has been plaguing me for about 4 1/2 months now.

Alright, that's all for today.

MW

Dr. Duh Medicine Moron

Today I am in blinding mortal pain, despite me not being mortal. Or blind. But I'm in pain. And BOY IS IT PAINFUL. I have 3 canker sores on the inside of my mouth, one on the tip of my tongue, one on the side of my tongue and one on the flat top surface.

It's more painful than it sounds, and in fact, it was the entire reason I had to go to the doctors the other day, in which they found nothing with my tongue.

Good job, Dr. Duh, Medicine Moron.

So today, before I stopped off at the Fish Mongors place to return some of his wife's clothing articles, torrid affair, anyway, I headed to Burger King (pure product placement, they better start sending me sh*t) for a refreshing cold coke flavored icee. Anyway, point is, since I'm not going to class aftr MultiMedia, I'm naked without my backpack. So instead, I have my pad of paper and pen for notes, and a small flexible lunchbag with one can of Diet Coke (send me stuff) and Listerine (send me stuff).

What a weird thing that would be huh? Listerine Product Placement. Get boxes of Listerine forever just because you mentioned their name in one measly blog entry. That'd be flippin' awesome.

Anyway, pain, listerine, burger king, and diet coke. I hurt for pure shameless product placement plugs.

MW

Asthmetic Dustmiteitus

So, today I went to the doctors (skin section) of Kaiser at 2:30 to check out some sort of rash I've developed on my second head. After they discovered that the second head wasn't mine, but was actually some guy named Fred, who, in a bizzare turn of coincidences, had superglued himself to my shirt on friday, they pulled him off and they found the rash was only on HIS head.

Fred has cancer.

But enough about Fred. I, on the other hand, not nearly as interesting, dashingly handsome, or unlucky as Fred, had to take a test on my breathing to see whether or not I have Asthma and am allergic to anything. Now the way this test is done is they take little white needle points and put them into your arm, kinda pricking your arm, doesn't hurt much. But they put these numbers and letters on both sides of your arms. F1 For Food1, F2 for Food2, that sorta thing. Animals, outdoors, like plants and leaves and grass and trees and the whathaveyous of the outdoorsey things. So then they make you sit in a waiting room for about 15 minutes.

I was there for 5 hours.

The image at the top of this post, is a picture of my arm, which now looks like I have some sort of foreign tattoo that indites me to some sort of evil club to kill political leaders. It's actually just 14 shots I had put in to see what else would be harmful to me. The results:

I have something that they call "Asthmetic Dustmiteitus".

It's Asthma & allergies to DustMites, which of course are FREAKING EVERYWHERE. I spent 5 hours at a doctors skin care wing only to find out I have those 2 things wrong with me, geez! All they did with Fred was pry him off my back and within' 5 minutes they knew he had Cancer, is Asthma REALLY that hard to identify, harder than cancer? I mean, come on! Who, in retrospect, ISN'T ALLERGIC TO DUSTMITES?! And in all fairness, how friggin' hard is it to find out somebody has Asthma? I have a way of finding that out which would cut my time in half.

First, take somebody to the bottom of Mount Everest, and if they can climb 5 feet without problems breathing, they don't have Asthma.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

And my condolances to Fred's family.
May he rest in peace.

MW

A Fresh Start

After doing "The Passion Of The Jew" for a little over 3 years, I decided I'm ready to expose myself more to the public. That however, could be considered illegal, so instead I'll just tell you about myself.

As you all know, my name is Mark Wiland. I come from a family. I have friends, go to school, and currently hate everything in my life, except the people in it, and this jerk just hit me with some sort of string, so I'll be right back, gotta go kick his head in.

Alright, I'm back. Anyway, this is what I'm talking about. The truth about me and my past is that my life sucks, everything in it. Currently, my best friend moved to Washington to live with a girl who seems to control his life, even though we had already made plans for after high school. Another one of my friends seems to not want to have anything to do with me after telling me that I annoy him. And the girl I'm insanely in love with doesn't feel the same way as me.

Right now, my dad is in LA, where he was born, raised and then left (as anybody with a sensible mind WOULD) because of the murder trial of his parents. He's finally getting some justice against the only guy out of the 3 that killed his parents that they caught. I'm stuck at home with my mother, who, in all honesty, isn't the kindest person in the world anymore. But nobody I know is anymore. So if we can just get to the point here, the only person I can talk to about any of this, is the girl I love.

Unfortunatly, she doesn't feel the same way for me, however, I think there is hope that she will, because she's been thinking about it lately.

New topic.

Took the CASHEE on Wednesday, did TERRIBLY in my opinion, two sections of the test, the second section, just to give you some sort of example on how FREAKING AWEFUL I did, out of 46 questions, I got 13 done that I actually KNEW. It's sad, I know. I'm going to be in high school forever. Alright, I guess that's about all there is, so if you wanna read my "Passion" LJ just type that title into google with the letters LJ and it will pop up.

Alright people, I'm out of here.

MW